Tips for building a village from scratch

Not only have I been thinking about this a lot lately, but my friend, Alice Abrams, recently brought this up in her Instagram stories and facilitated quite the conversation about making friends and building a village as a mom. To top it off, I’ve been reading “You Deserve Good Gelato” by Kacie Rose, a travel influencer, and just finished the chapter where she covers her experiences as an American in Italy trying to build a solid village. (Spoiler: she does make some really great friends and goes over how she did it. You can find her book in My Library.)

All that to say that this has come up a lot lately and I feel the need to add my insights into the conversation- Or maybe I’m introducing it to you and you’ll go from here to Alice’s story highlights or to Kacie’s book. Either way, here goes nothing.

I’ve lived away from home since the summer of 2013. Like, far away. The closest I’ve lived to my parents in my adult life was a 9 hour drive and across a country border. It’s hard to believe it’s been 12 years- because I still get that gut feeling when I go home. Canada will always be home.

Since moving away, I’ve lived in 5 US states and in Italy for 18 months. Each move brought new adventure and new challenges. I’ve learned a lot from each place and in some ways have become a product of each location.

The way I cringe when someone breaks spaghetti or when I get an “Italian cheese blend” that has cheddar in it stem from customs I learned in Italy. The way I do my hair definitely comes from Utah (embarrassed smiling face). My favorite interior design style is a blend of Southern Utah and California. And the fire in my soul for social justice… well that comes from what I’ve learned while living in the American South.

I’ve loved the adventure aspect of each of these places but, boy, has it been a rollercoaster trying to build a support system every time I move- On average every 1-2 years. And actually, we’ve lived in Memphis the longest. Just celebrated 4 years in the area, and I’m FINALLY feeling settled.

I’ve learned a lot of lessons along the way about community and making friends. Below are a few things I’ve learned that I hope will be helpful to those of you who are raising a family- away from your family. (oh! Also, this is how to turn acquaintances into friends into chosen family. I’ll go over the meeting people part in another post.)

1. To have a village, you have to BE the village.
   First thing’s first, having a village goes both ways. Offer to help a neighbor bring in their groceries, pick up an extra treat when someone invites you over, host playdates and invite the parents to stay and chat. Ask deeper questions then “how’s it going” when you run into them. Invite them out to dinner or on a family outing.
   One thing I’ve started doing is sending out a text to my acquaintances the day before we go to the zoo or children’s museum inviting them to come with. If they’re busy, I honestly, go to the next person I’d like to get to know better.

   You have to be willing to do a little more work in the beginning, including, checking up on them when their kid is sick, staying at the birthday parties and asking more questions than you’re being asked.

2. Celebrate holidays together!
   This was a big one for me. Living far away from family is hardest during the holidays, so a couple years ago, we started inviting friends over for Canadian Thanksgiving. Some years we’ve celebrated Easter, Christmas and New Years together too among other smaller holidays. For this we found friends who, like us, weren’t going home for the holidays and combined our traditions to create a memorable holiday for us and our kids. And of course birthdays are part of the list!! At the very least, I put my friend’s birthdays in my calendar and make an effort to go out to lunch with them the week of.

3. Get involved in the every day.

   As a mom of littles, and especially if you’re a SAHM, don’t be afraid of reaching out to someone and inviting them to the park last minute. If they can’t that day, don’t take it as a rejection, ask when a better time would be and make a plan from there.

4. Girl’s nights.

   Let’s be honest, the real talk starts after the kids go to bed. Hosting a girls night is a great way to get to know other women in your phase of life. Pick a theme- does the group watch trashy TV together? or do crafts? Or BOTH? We do both. lol.